Well, I did it: I survived two parties, sangria, 3 cakes, pizza and 1 ice cream cake without caving! No bites, licks or tastes. My energy level was ok, but it was hard to tell because allergies were kicking my arse.
I didn’t feel hungry, but I won’t lie: I felt angry. Maybe some jealousy too. I’ve realized I’m jealous of people who don’t give a shit about eating well – there is freedom in it I guess. I’m beyond angry that I have food issues and have to monitor myself. Why do I feel this urge to compete? Why do I have to idolize women with muscle? Why can’t I be happy with drinking wine, eating good food and posting pictures of pretty but chubby models on Facebook to make myself feel better about the size of my ass (if I see one more reference to Marilyn being a size 12…ugg)? I don’t have an answer. I do have good self-esteem and maybe that’s why I care – I’m trying to respect the body I have. Maybe I have too much knowledge about how crappy most foods are for you that it seems morally wrong to overindulge.
For example, people smoked in the 50s because they didn’t know better. Now that people are aware of the negative effects, I find smokers to be ignorant, rude, weak and indifferent to killing themselves or other people due to their lack of willpower. Yes, my feelings are strong, and, true, I cannot process/understand addiction like that, but it’s my blog and no one has to read it. Sheetar bless America (cheesy scary movie reference).
Anyway, knowing how many tablespoons of sugar there is in soda, how can I possibly ever drink straight soda again? I can’t. And anytime I see someone drinking it, I will judge (or be jealous of?) them because I know they know too. People may judge me for my “weird diet and exercise addiction” but maybe they’re jealous too. I still eat crap on occasion – mostly it’s overeating on generally healthy foods like granola, nuts, dried fruit or peanut butter – but the key is awareness. And my awareness is what makes me miserable and disappointed with myself every time I eat my weight in trail mix after a healthy dinner. I don’t need that many carbs before bed, even if it is something healthy like oatmeal.
So, back on to the detox: I’m on Day 4. I forgot my shake and my fruit so it’s an exercise in improvising. FYI: it’s really hard to buy straight egg whites from Subway (there’s no egg white button). It also has a weird fake buttery flavor in it…so much for eating only clean foods! Number 2’s are normal and I have lost about 4 pounds. I was doggin’ it during my leg workout this morning, but I think it’s because I need a full meal before lifting.
I’m worried about getting back into my diet after the detox. The point was to help kick my cravings. Will I still crave off-plan foods? If I’m given an inch with my diet, will I take a mile? Will I ever be able to feel satisfied with an occasional cheat meal instead of an every night indulgence on PB? I will say though, this detox has given me an appreciation for full (solid food) meals and I’m excited to get back on track with my Savage diet plan…I have a feeling I’ll be avoiding shakes for a while.
Hope this post hasn’t been depressing, I’m really positive and excited about my journey to rock a bikini on-stage, I just have to focus on that instead of the rocky road I have on the way there.
XO
